Falling Slowly

The last couple of weeks have been an interesting journey. My move went relatively smoothly; I thought I would be afraid to be alone, but I'm actually enjoying it. My own space, with a few new things thrown in, sleeping pretty well, it's been good.

It's been a bit of an adjustment, too. I miss my son terribly, seeing him every day, packing his lunch, making sure that he takes his meds were things that I took a little for granted. He's been doing fine and we talk on the phone often. It's not the same, but I pretend like he went away to college.

I miss my husband. I miss our daily interaction and the thought of having someone to go to if I need help. There's a little bit of me that looks at our past relationship with rose colored glasses. We will always be family; we have children who will have children. He will always be my friend. I'm taking care of things on my own, but old habits are hard to break. This has been a learning curve for us all.

I thought I was past all of the emotionality of this venture; I was wrong. Friends have asked if there is anything my husband or I could do to keep our marriage going or to fix things. There really isn't. The relationship that was our marriage is over; we both know that. Moving forward in any type of relationship is going to take some work. How much work and what kind of relationship isn't something we have control of. We'll have to see where time and space takes us both as individuals.

I have been spending some of my newly acquired free time to think about relationships in general. Marriages, friendships, lovers, family, they each have their own group of dynamics that have some similarities but are also different in so many ways. Both should be embraced and considered when we are making any sort of decision regarding any particular relationship.

Some are extremely emotional, like the swinging of a pendulum from one side to the other. Others are comfortable, easy, and relaxed. Some relationships are a struggle to maintain and hard to let go of. Others were built on a foundation that was a bit crumbly and are completely falling apart.

There are changes happening in our everyday lives and the world we live in that aren't predictable. Why would we think that we can map out or count on situations that are meant to ebb and flow? We only have control over ourselves and our own feelings. No one can MAKE you feel a particular way; you ALLOW your feelings, good or bad, to direct your actions.

Sometimes, we fight with ourselves to maintain a balance in our life and with our relationships that might not be there. Once in a while, we might feel out of sync with a friend or a loved one. Maybe there is an underlying issue that needs to be sorted out. Perhaps words that were spoken "in the moment" need to be reconsidered, examined. There might be an apology or a reconciliation or a tune-up that needs to be taken care of.

I guess the bottom line is that in all things we need to raise our hopeful voices and remember that we have a choice. When you feel that you have given enough of yourself to a relationship, be patient. When you feel that your feelings have been hurt, be forgiving. When you have hurt someone's feelings, be considerate. If a relationship is meant to be, it will be...good, bad, happy, sad, mean and loving all at different times. It's a balancing act. Remember that you are worthy of goodness...With love...

In The End

Here are some personal facts: I am going to turn 51 this year. I have 2 children, a girl (30) and a boy (18). I have been married for 31+ years. We are coming to the end of our marriage. I’ve made peace with that and I’m happy about it.

I am not necessarily trying to be “self-helpy.” If something that I have experienced can motivate conversation, awareness or the sharing of ideas and information, that’s great. This posting will include some things that I believe other women in similar situations will strongly identify with.

My writing is my own opinion and observation on my life, my point of view. I am writing honestly and openly. I am not looking to lay blame or to judge. This posting will be about me personally and it’s going to be a long one.

I had a turbulent childhood. I’m not saying that it was terrible, just unsettled. I never really had a steady or sure footing. The majority was pleasant, but some of the experiences were not. In addition to the pre-determined physical traits that we are born with, certain personality characteristics are inherited from generations before us. Our personal path is forming with these traits and characteristics while we are growing up.

I’m not sure when I decided this, but the goal or purpose of my life was to finish school, get a job, get married, have kids and live happily ever after. This seemed like a neat, organized plan; working through life to get to that happy place. I graduated high school at 17, got a job and went out with my friends. I didn’t date much, but I was looking for someone who would fit into my plan. I got married at 19 to a man who was in a similar situation; turbulent and unsettled childhood. We met, started dating, moved in together, got married and became parents in a 2-year period. We were both looking for the same things at the time. We were looking for stability, first and foremost. We loved each other.

So there I am, wife, mom, working a full-time job, moving from used cars to new ones, an apartment to a house, all steps forward to the happy place. Not that I’m unhappy on this journey, my daughter is smart and talented, my husband is hardworking, my job is secure and I’m learning.  I’m feeling happy and accomplished.  We are blessed with a second child at, what seems to be, the right time to encourage our daughter to spread her wings a bit. My friends and family are both supportive and surprised that I have this bundle of boy-joy.  One of the things I can tell you is that we didn’t know how much our lives missed this child until he came into it. I will also say that at this moment in my marriage, the rumblings of unsettlement were there. When my son came along I had a renewed sense of purpose on my way to the happy place.

I am a caretaker. I took the kids where they needed to go. I juggled the bills, I robbed Peter to pay Paul, I went to work, I shopped for groceries, I took care of the house, and I did the laundry. These are not complaints, but statements of fact. I was running the household while working and taking care of the kids. It’s become my job because I made it my job. Because of the unsettled feeling of my pre-adult years, I needed the management control of my life. I was going to steer us in the right direction. I was hoping that I knew what that was, but I wasn’t sure. All I did know is that I wanted me and my kids to do a little better then the generations before me.

The thought process that I had was that while this is hard and stressful, once my kids were raised, my husband and I will finally make it to the happy place. This state of being that will be more relaxed, settled; a state of mind where I would look back on the hard road with a smile and appreciate the calm. I didn’t expect THE CHANGE.

I’m not talking about the change that happens to women of a certain age. I’m also not talking about the event that made me appreciate my life more, although it was a contributor. I’m talking about this unexpected sense of thinking that the happy place that I had envisioned all this time might not be the place where I should end up. I was suddenly filled with an uneasiness or feeling of being trapped in a situation that didn’t seem right for me anymore.

I spent most of my adult life taking care of those around me. While it gave me a sense of fulfillment, I was tired. When was I going to feel taken care of? When was it going to feel like a partnership, where I wasn’t in charge for a little while? When was I going to feel like someone would take the reins for awhile if I let them? Would I feel safe or settled enough to let him? I realize that wasn’t the norm; it wasn’t how things were supposed to turn out or how I steered them. But I was changing; myself, my thought process, the rules of this journey, my journey.  I was changing, I couldn’t help it, I wanted to embrace it, but the guilt was overwhelming. I did the majority of the changing in this relationship and I will own it. I changed the rules and adjusted to suit myself and what I wanted. Was that fair? Probably not, but I have discovered, sometimes, life isn’t fair.

While your kids are yours forever, I am coming to the time of my life where the day to day caretaking won’t be necessary. I thought that MY life was going to really start when I was through raising my kids, basking in the happiness in the happy place. The end of the raising kids part has come up fast and personal happiness seemed a million miles away.

I started communicating to my partner a really, LONG time ago that I was unhappy and disillusioned; that we were heading for trouble instead of the happy ever after. I told him that I while I loved him I wasn’t thrilled with our relationship. He would say things like, “when these kids are out of here, it’s just you and me!” It would strike fear in my heart and I wanted to run. He never took what I said seriously.

There’s a line in one of my favorite songs, “Need some action, all you get is talk.” Well, that sentence could accurately describe me. I talked, I complained, I screamed, I yelled, I didn’t DO anything; I just said how it could all be better. So, I imagine, that what my husband has heard all this time was– wah, wah, wah. Blather. Threats. Nothing really to worry about.

Something clicked. I’m not really sure when, I’m not really sure how. I’m certain that my friends around me who had been listening to me where waiting for the day I would find my real voice. I put a plan in motion. My daughter got married. My son turned 18, he is graduating high school. I wanted an exit strategy that would be painless. I have since learned there is no such thing. No nice neat little package tied with a bow and everyone will be happy. There will be pain, but its part of the process.

We have grown into two completely different individuals that want different things from this life. You can’t change who you are to satisfy someone else, no matter how long your relationship has been. We grew apart. I know that sounds a bit cliché, but it’s true. We want different things in our lives and that doesn’t make us bad people. I’m letting myself off the hook and releasing the bad feelings I have had for my partner. We both deserve more happiness and satisfaction from this life.

I’m moving on. I am moving out of my home into a space of my own. I have never been on my own. I went from my family to moving in with my husband. This will be completely new and different. I am excited. I am terrified. I am elated. I am confident. I am sad; this is a death that I have mourned for too long. It’s time to put it behind me. It’s a job well done, but it’s time to find a new job.

There will be those who will be surprised. There will be those who could see from the outside that this was where I was headed. There are those who are completely supportive of my decisions and my continuing journey. In the end, it’s what I want that counts. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – self-preservation is not selfish. Living a life you like is a concept we should all embrace. With love…

Southern Cross

I grew up on the Northwest Side of Chicago. The farthest south I was aware of until I was about 14 years old was Grand Avenue and that was “way far south, almost downtown!” There might as well have been a void south of downtown; somewhere I would never dream of venturing.

I was a Girl Scout early on. I transferred to a new school in the 4^th grade and scouting was something that was offered at our parish. I loved our campouts; we would sell boxes and boxes of cookies so that I could go. As I got older, I sold the cookies so that I could go to residence camp in Wisconsin for 2-3 weeks during the summer. I applied for the “counselor in training” program at Camp Juniper Knoll the summer I turned 15. 4 weeks of life at camp, plus counselor privileges. This way, when I went away to college and needed a summer job, I could work at camp all summer. Excellent!

My neighborhood friends weren’t interested in going, but I was going anyway. There I was, dropped off on a Sunday afternoon in June, in the Adler Planetarium parking lot, to catch the bus to Elkhorn, WI. Whoopee, this was going to be a great summer! One of my favorite counselors was coming back and she was on our bus! She could play a mean guitar at our campfires and I loved the singing. Little did I know that her younger sister was on the bus that day too and that she would become one of my best friends.

Those of you, who know me, know I’m not afraid to talk to anyone, about anything. I struck up a conversation with my new friend during that bus ride. She was a little shy at first, but had a wicked sense of humor. I’m certain at the time she was being forced to go to camp with her sister. At the very least I am thinking that while going to camp sounded like a great idea at first, it was not so much when it was actually happening.

We had a blast during the time we were together at camp. One of the interesting things was that she lived in Alsip. Alsip? Where the heck was Alsip? So far south, I was sure it was another state. Me, I lived on the North Side. The scary North Side where people from the South Side rarely ventured. We weren’t even sure our parents would let us out to see each other. What were two new besties to do?

Talk on the phone. We called each other often and had lengthy conversations. We did travel to see each other; she was able to drive to pick me up at the train station. I think that first year we did that once or twice. We couldn’t wait until the next summer to go back to camp, freedom and escape from our boring, restricted lives at home. I remember talking to her on the phone the night before we were leaving for camp that next summer. I couldn’t wait to see her again.

We had a ball that second summer; we stuck together. Transportation after we got home wasn’t so problematic; she drove, I had friends who drove, our lives meshed, friends intermingled. The great divide between the North and South sides didn’t seem so far anymore. When there was a will, there was a way.  I especially remember a couple of near death rides on the Dan Ryan in their yellow VW.

As the next few years went by we had so much fun. We got into a lot of trouble, but man, we had a ball. We spent time going to “The Point” down by the lake, hanging out with the neighborhood guys who had a fondness for somewhat fluffy girls, nursing our youthful hangovers at the beach, at the rocks the next day. Me and the South Side sisters, we had us a blast! I’m certain our parents braced themselves for my visits there or their visits here; never a dull moment. We fell in like and love with boys from each side of the tracks. We were girls just wanting to have fun. We had jobs, we had friends, we had a little money, we had a lot of nerve and we had each other.

We started to grow up. She went off to college after all; I got married and had a baby. Our lives started going in different directions, but we still kept in touch. More and more distance came between our phone calls and while we didn’t give up completely, years had gone by since we had seen each other. When we got to our late 20s and early 30s we reconnected a little more. She got married, started having kids, still living on the South Side; we visited a little more often. I think our friends and family were surprised at our sustainability.

We talked on the phone, catching up as often as we could. She had 4 boys, I had my son; we were working, managing the household, trying to calm our whirring brains. After talking on the phone for while we would both say that we would call more often, but really, who had the time?

We both had life changing events; I would go as far as to say that she had more than her share of life changing events. Things that scare the bejeezus out of you and you hope you can get past it with a little sanity. We talked to each other on the phone, cried, yelled, listened, consoled, counseled and laughed, especially laughed, about everything that we could. I started writing my blog. She would call after reading my post like she was reading my mind, she still does.

I just had lunch with her the other day. Her sister came along for the visit. We met about half way, but I have no fear making the cross to the South Side anymore. We talked for about 3-1/2 hours and we could have sat there longer and never run out of things to say. We are beautiful women who are starting to decide that maybe our time has come. Perhaps it’s time to take better care of ourselves and our psyche because it had been put on the back burner. Our visit was like sitting under a warm blanket, easy and comfortable. I promised myself that I would make time to spend time. Her strength and intelligence fuels mine and I’ll be forever grateful.

This blog posting is dedicated to you, my friend. My love is an anchor tied to you with a silver chain; long, unbreakable, but a little tarnished from years of wear. Here’s to our growing together on this lifelong journey. With love…

Sledgehammer

I Kicked The Habit. The habit of always seeing things in the "dark." The self-pity wallowing that could have taken over my entire life. There are days where I will have a really good, 10 minute, ugly, sniffling, snuffling sob fest. I get it over with and move on as best I can. Today, I am angry. I am angry at the pain and suffering that good people have to go through. I am angry at different diseases like heart disease, Hashimoto's disease, neuromuscular diseases and the big daddy of them all, cancer. I wish I could take care of everyone, but I can't. That's another habit I have to kick. Not so easy. I will get over this anger, I will. But today, just for a little while, I'm going to be angry, especially at cancer and its effect on those that I care about.

I Shed My Skin. I am who I am. I am beautiful inside and out. We all are. There are some of us who have ugly in them and I feel bad for those folks. I am hoping that it doesn't take a tragedy or a serious downfall for them to learn the lessons of faith and beauty in your fellow man or woman, whatever the case may be. It's really what's inside that counts. If there are those who still judge a book by its cover, they are probably very lonely and small on the inside. Here's hoping for their growth.

This Is The New Stuff. There are those that I have known for a long time that are probably skeptical of the changes I am making. They actually ridicule my writing and talk of love, or don't bother to read at all. I believe it's fear of change; too bad for them. I love different people for different reasons. They feed a number of needs inside of me. There are relationships that I am having to back away from, which makes me sad. But how many times can your feelings get hurt because people are too busy or don't have time to contact you or can't keep up with everything - but only when it comes to their relationship with you? Quantity doesn't always equal quality. Just because you have had someone in your life for most of it, doesn't mean they get continue to be a part of it if they hurt you. Especially when there are those who want to spend time with me and understand the life I am embracing.

I'm Gonna Build That Power. The power of positive thinking. The power of life with more optimism. The power of a healthier, prosperous future. The power of waking up each day. It's better to build on that power than to worry about what I can't control.

I Go Dancing In. Into my future, where I am surrounded by friendship and love that's overflowing. Where bad things happen to good people and they survive. Where communication is important to help us grow and learn. Into a life that I am building on a solid foundation. There is a light at the end of this long, dark tunnel that I have traveled through. It's bright and beautiful, and there to remind me that I have a gift of this life. I'm going to live it to the fullest. With love...

I've Got This Friend

I've got this friend. She's hardworking, loyal and dependable. She has a big heart and is very giving. She takes on the problems of the world in stride, with only minor mishaps at times. She loves to talk and listen too. She'll hold your hand, give you a hug or slap you upside the head, separately or all at the same time, if necessary. She is living her life the best that she can.

I've got this friend. She's scared of the world. She puts on a brave face, she swears a lot, demands a lot of attention, says things for shock value that can be off-puting instead of relaxing in a social situation. She doesn't keep or sustain many relationships, seemingly only the ones she might need in the future. She demands loyalty, but offers none. She's looking for something in all the wrong places. She is living her life the best that she can.

I've got this friend. He's a loner. He's not very social, but very smart. He has spent a lot of time and thought on regrets. He starting to realize that alone means lonely. He's coming out into the world and releasing the fear that had him hiding in a shell. He's funny, talented and worth more to others than he realizes. He is living his life the best that he can.

I've got this friend. She's scrappy. She takes up the causes of those who can't speak or fight for themselves. She is a toughie with a marshmallow center. She says that she does just fine on her own. She can be either your biggest champion or your worst enemy. She cuts people out before she realizes that she might really need them, or how much they need her. She will help you in your time of need, like burying the body of someone who hurts you. She is living her life the best that she can.

I've got this friend. He's a working man. He just wants to get up and go to work every day. His world around him has been crumbling for a while and he's starting to pay attention, hoping it's not too late. He doesn't make many friends and he really doesn't mind that. He isn't sure how to take care of things on his own. Communication is difficult for him, but he tries. He is learning the hard way to stand on his own two feet. He is living his life the best that he can.

I've got this friend. She hates change. Whether it's in her life or the lives of those around her, it makes her skittish. She is extremely intelligent, social and loves those in her life fiercely. New friendships are frightening and don't interest her at all. Old friendships are loving, sustained and comfortable. You can speak your mind and hear hers too, without any repercussion. She has an old soul. There's been some shakeups recently but she is trying to roll through the changes with grace and strength. She is living her life the best that she can.

Just so you know, I'm certain I will have friends reading my blog who will try to figure out which friend THEY are. These friends I am referring to are truthfully no one in particular, but a composite of those in my life whom I love.

The point of this entry is that we all are living our lives the best we can. Whether there are good things or bad things going on in your life right now, it's helpful to know that you have a variety of friends with strengths and attributes that can help you on your journey. With love...

The Pretender

2013 has blown in with its challenges, same as always. Maybe not the same challenges, per se, but with a whole set of new ones to face, head on, moving forward.

Did I expect things to be different? To be easier? To be gifted with a "clean" slate. Not really, but I hoped that life in general would take things a bit more gently with me and those around me that I love and care about. So far? Not so much.

It takes a very conscious effort to work through each day, no matter what happens, with a positive attitude and outlook. Some days it's definitely easier; I adopt a "devil may care" attitude. That doesn't mean that I don't care, it just means that I can't solve every problem or situation that comes my way and I accept that, albeit kicking and screaming.

Some days it's almost impossible; I feel a great amount of sadness and despair. For things that have happened, for decisions that I should have made, yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah! I say almost impossible because it's not the whole day. It's part of the day where I may rant and rave like a total lunatic, either out loud or in my head. It's part of the day that I might cry like a baby, with or without the lunacy.

After that part is over, with a sweaty brow and/or red eyes, I push through. I put a smile on my face or I just get quiet and move along. I will put some music on, depending on my mood, and just listen and breathe. I work it out.

Whether I am posting on Facebook, writing my blog, composing an e-mail or even sending a text, I try to be truthful and compassionate, even when I'm crabby. I am not a pretender, I'm just someone who hopes that if I can help myself with the words that I write, they might make a difference to those who read them. We can identify with each other. Maybe share a laugh or a smile. I see the good. I want the good for myself and everyone around me.

A smile can be hiding a whole load of problems that don't necessarily have to be shared, and that's OK. We are very different from each other, but share similiarities. We need to be nicer to each other. We don't know what's happening in the lives of those we care about all the time. We are all working on just living each day with a sense of gratitude and survival.

I am unique, not like the others. I will never surrender; that means giving up and that's not happening. We help each other or at least we should, to grow, to learn, to enjoy and LIVE this life that is so short. They say you only live once, don't you think we should do our best to make it count? With love...

A Whole New World

Happy 2013! It's a brand new year and a fresh start or restart for us all. I hope that 2013 has been a bit kinder to you so far and that any resolutions you have decided to make aren't too harsh. It's early yet.

I myself have decided to take a 30-day challenge and go gluten free. I have been doing some research, along with the advice of my brilliant daughter, and found that there are some benefits of doing this that will help all that ails me.

It's not been as difficult as I thought it would be. There are many products and resources out there now, it's been relatively easy, so far. I'm trying new vegetables and ways to cook them. It should clear up some of the symptoms of my various problems/diseases and help me feel even better.

It's a simple change that can't hurt me; have you decided to make a simple change in the new year? I would like to say that if you smoke cigarettes, you should really try to quit. It damages so many things in your beautiful body and snuffs out oxygen that should be pumping through your blood stream. I know it's not easy; I struggle with it to this day. However, it's probably the best thing you could do for your health and well-being.

Simple changes mean a lot more than you think they do. Exercise your body and your brain. Experience and embrace this opportunity that you have been given in the form of a new year to step in the right direction. That would be whatever direction you choose and that makes you happy and content. A little knowledge can open a whole new world of information that you never knew you were missing. Free your mind, the rest will follow...With love...

On This Journey Together

It's been awhile since I have posted an entry. The last couple of months have been hectic and busy. I have lots of news to share and will be doing so in the new year.

For now, I am writing to say that as we get ready to begin 2013, don't get bogged down with resolutions aka "rules" that will be impossible or difficult to follow. You would be setting yourself up for failure and that's never a good thing!

Embark on this new year as a clean slate, a new beginning, a chance to start fresh, like pushing a reset button. Make one simple change that will make you happy and/or healthier going forward. Take it easy on yourself; there's only one you and it's important to make sure that you take good of YOU.

I wish you and your loved ones peace and happiness in 2013. Whether you are celebrating with a big bang or have a quiet evening planned, be safe and sound. We have a long journey ahead, let's enjoy the ride...With love...

I Will Wait…

I have been on a journey. It’s a journey that has been 50+ years in the making. I’ve had some real ups and downs. It feels like I have been on a wild roller coaster and a heck of ride.

My childhood, as I expressed in previous postings, was not the world of The Cleavers; I don’t think that anyone’s was. My family did the best they could and for that I’m grateful. Different members of my family have taught me a plethora of lessons; how to make friends, how to be strong, how to protect myself and how to love.

My teenage years were spent with a group of friends, some of whom I am still friends with to this day. We watched out for each other and spent a lot of time together. We learned how to depend on each other and to be depended on. Some have been lost; some just drifted away, others I couldn’t imagine my life without.

My young adult years were spent as a wife and mom. I got married and had my daughter while I was very young. I had a picture in my head of what I wanted my own family to be like. I worked hard and managed our family pretty well. We didn’t have everything we wanted, but we had what we needed. I wanted my daughter to feel loved unconditionally and to provide her with the best that I could.

As I got older, things changed. We moved into our house, I tried to have another child for a number of years. I was working, still managing the family and going about my daily life. When I stopped concentrating so hard on having another child, I was blessed with my son. He was a miracle I didn’t know how much I missed until he arrived. He brought a distraction from the dissatisfaction that was in my personal life. My daughter was getting older. My relationship was becoming stagnant; my role in the family unit was changing. I had my son to concentrate on and that’s what I did. I continued on my journey.

I had a major health scare; a wakeup call that made me realize how short life really is. My daughter is in a place where she is happy and loved and I am grateful for her every day. My son is getting to an age where the day to day Mom role is becoming less necessary. My personal life has unraveled because of change, some of which I have embraced and accepted, some I cannot.

I needed to save myself, find what was waiting for me on the next leg of this journey. To achieve what I want, in a place I’d like to be. To determine who I am besides a caretaker, an organizer, a manager of those around me. I will figure it out; it’s not selfish, it’s self-preserving. There will be necessary endings and beginnings on this continuation and that’s going to be OK.

This is my journey; Jude’s Journey, I will find my way. I’m on the home stretch. I’ll continue to be bold and strong. I will use my head alongside my heart. Is your journey turning out the way you wanted? Are you on a path that is fulfilling and helping you grow? Patience is truly a learned virtue. I will wait to get to the destination that I was meant to find. Perhaps I’ll discover that I’ve been there all along and just didn’t recognize it. Who knows? I will wait…With love…

For What It's Worth...

Something's happening here, what it is, ain't exactly clear. Super storms, NYSE shut down, transit system crippled, millions and millions stranded and without power. Have you seen the picture of New York City in darkness? What the heck is going on?

I have never in my lifetime witnessed such devastation due to weather. Perhaps these are all wakeup calls that we are not heeding? Katrina, Irene and Sandy, powerful forces of nature for which we have no defense. Is this what we have been warned about? The effects of global warming? Not taking care of the earth we live in?

This has scared the bejeezus out of me! I am fascinated and horrified by the pictures and the news information. I am sorry for the people who live in these areas and what obstacles they have coming in the next few months.

Be grateful for your world. Say a prayer for those directly affected by this devastation. Hug your friends and family. Take a good look at what's going down. With love...

Games People Play…

Some are better at the game of life than others. We learn the rules of fair play and choose whether or not to use them.

There are those who are well adjusted for the most part, they appreciate the life they have, take responsibility for their actions, (the majority of the time,) and are honest in word and deed. They are loyal to their friends and loved ones. They don’t sacrifice too much of themselves but are ready to help out those who need them. They have determined what they want out of this life and are working to get it. They are self-reliant, but can use a friend to help them along once in a while. I believe that in most cases, this is how real people live.

There are some who are really good at the guilt game. They attempt to make those around them seem inferior to make themselves feel better. They have selective memory and relish sharing those “memories” to look and feel good to whoever cares to listen. What’s sad is that those who are in a more balanced life or at least working towards that goal can see right through this. What’s also sad is that many relationships can become lost in the clarity. We have dealt with bad behavior for so long, it seems acceptable. When you open your eyes and your mind, you realize how toxic this can be. It might be difficult to let these connections be dissolved, but probably better in the long run.

There are some who are really good at the pity game. They wallow and look for attention in any manner they can get. They can’t see the real people in their lives because they are on a constant search for the “illusive” ones. They expect friends and family to help or assist them, rather than working harder to be self-reliant. These folks tend to be a little selfish and a lot self-centered, all the while protesting that they are the opposite of that. They also tend to think that they are authorities on life lessons; love, friendship, family, etc., are their areas of “expertise.” They profess love and friendship when directly in front of you, but don’t back any of that up with their actions.

I have had recent experiences with the guilt and pity players. I’m not pretending to be something that I’m not. I’m not an authority on life or the lessons that it teaches us. I am just a woman who is trying to improve my life and relationships that I have been given. No judgments, just observations. No messages or finger pointing, just sharing those observations. It gets me thinking and I’m hoping that it gets you thinking too. I’m not willing to spend the rest of my life fading away. With love…

Love Me Do…

Most of you are aware that I love music and that I believe that music is free therapy. I admire those who write the lyrics and notes to put together something to make us think. I indulge in music therapy in many different venues and for many different reasons. It makes my world go around.

Today is 50 years since the song “Love Me Do” by The Beatles was released. We all know the words and I’m pretty certain they are going through your head right this very minute. They are simple in message: love me and I’ll love you back. Be true to me and you can depend that I’ll be true to you. I like who you are and I hope you like me too. Simple words, yet perfectly stated.

Indulge in some music therapy today. Make a point to put on the radio or play some tunes by a band that you love. Reaffirm whatever it is you are working towards or looking for. Figure out what is hurting you or bringing you down; get through it. Listen just for the enjoyment of it, to get your heart beating, your toes tapping, and maybe do a little singing while you’re at it. Have some fun, you probably need it. With love…

PS…In other music news, Rush, my favorite band in the entire world will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame – It’s about time. Mumford and Sons, another of my favorites, had their new album “Babel” take 1^st place on the Billboard Chart for most albums sold in the first week in 2012, over Green Day and No Doubt. Good news in my music world!

Communication Breakdown…

I have written often about the many different ways that are available to us for communication. It makes me sad when there are breaks or gaps in communication that seem extremely important, especially with all the venues we have. Texting, calling, getting together, e-mail, Facebook, Twitter are great methods of keeping in touch.

As people, we are in always in motion, physically, emotionally and mentally. We each have a personal “plate” that we manage and hope that we can continue to do so in a manner that is both appealing and advantageous. We are also in a constant state of change, whether we want to be or not. The world around us is changing; we are just along for the ride. It can be something as simple as the seasons turning or as complicated as a break in a relationship, that are happening all the time, in different stages. Learning how to cope or communicate through the change can be a challenge.

Sometimes there isn’t anything else to say; it’s all been said. Sometimes there are things to hash out, settle, and then you’re able to move on. Sometimes there are things swept under the carpet, not addressed; this seems to be the most problematic. You can only put so much aside before it becomes a real problem and might be too big to talk about. You can make a decision to just sweep it all out of your life; it’s up to you.

Conversation is a great tool. It can help you with pain and sadness, with happiness and joy, with money or the lack thereof, with your job, your kids, your parents, your partner, your search for a better way, your dreams, your desires; it doesn’t matter what the topic is. Find someone who will listen, who cares about you and converse, communicate. Don’t let communication breakdown if you have the choice; you might not get it back. With love…

Learn To Fly…

I have lived in fear for most of my life. The fear started early, as far back as I can remember. I believe the majority of us have lived through a number of things that might surprise most; maybe not. Depending on our age, we probably have more in common with regard to our upbringing.

The circumstance of my parents’ divorce was most definitely an interesting twist, at best. We’ll just say that the grounds were mental cruelty and leave it at that. The collateral damage in the aftermath directly affected me. There were a lot of adults that fought over us, but no one was really minding the kids. I believe that a seed of self-preservation was planted inside me early on, (which has helped me tremendously more recently,) but I was afraid. Looking back, I realize that I wanted to depend on those who could be depended on. Unfortunately, at the time, as a little kid, I wasn’t sure who that was. It was very scary; the fear was growing, expanding.

As I grew up, I formed friendships that helped me learn the real aspects of relationship. We had each other’s back and watched out for one another. This helped with the fear, having people to trust, to talk with, and to count on. I still had to be careful, though, always alert. There was sure to be something terrible waiting right around the corner.

When I got married, I chose a partner who had a similar background. We had determination to make sure that our children had two parents who would take good care of them. Give them unconditional love and support. To provide what they needed and to reward them with some of what they wanted. I was certain that something terrible would have to happen to my kids because I was undeserving. That is irrational thinking, of course, but still inside my whirring, fearful brain.

How do you conquer what scares you? How do you turn things around? How do you become “safe” in your head? What makes you realize that you can’t walk around in fear all the time? Does it have to take some catastrophic event to accept what you can’t change? Answering these questions took some work; but I have the answers for me. What are the answers for you?

I didn’t even realize that I lived such a fearful life. As I began to get older, my outlook changed, it had to if I want to LIVE. We can’t see or predict what is coming our way. We can’t prevent pain anymore then we can be certain of joy or accomplishment. I had to learn a very important lesson. To embrace what I can and to release what I can’t change, which included the majority of fear that I carried around. I’m not saying that there aren’t still times when I am afraid, but I’m not constantly looking for things to be afraid of either.

I used to think that I was all grown up, then I realized to stop growing is to stagnate, to wither and die. I want to continue to show signs of life – learn new things, embark on unplanned adventures, embrace those who cross my path and make sure that the ones I depend on know they are appreciated. I’m learning to fly, fearless, well, a least a little fear less. With love…

Hit Me With Your Best Shot…

You know, I often try very hard to see things from both sides. I want to make sure that I treat people like I want to be treated. I don’t like to fight dirty and I hate confrontation. I have been this way since I was a kid. I am also a “deflector.” I tend to lead with niceness and good things to say, because as a plus size person in this world, it helps avoid any sort of negative connotation or confrontation for the most part.

Now, that’s not to say that I’m not a “defender.” I don’t like when people or other living things are picked on. I don’t like to be picked on. I can be just as catty with my friends as the next person, but I try not to be. I don’t like to have my fun at the expense of those around me and don’t appreciate it when it happens to me.

A healthy argument or disagreement can strengthen some relationships. We all have opinions and can agree to disagree. We can learn from each other and expand our horizons. Knowledge is power.

It’s hard to believe that there are people my age out there that still behave like they haven’t aged or time hasn’t touched them. Like they aren’t carrying an extra 20 pounds or they haven’t lost a whole lot of hair from their heads.  I'd like to ask, “Have YOU looked in a real mirror, lately? Maybe you should tell me where you bought your magic mirror so that I can get one too?”

You can have a conversation about a personal situation or relationship, but when you say something the other person doesn’t want to hear, it tends to get ignored or unabsorbed. They hear you, but they aren’t listening. It forces you to repeat yourself or reaffirm your feelings or decisions. When that happens, you can come across as a bitch. I used to think that was a bad thing; not so much anymore.

I have recently had an experience where someone close to me attempted to hit me below the belt. They used things that would most certainly bother me and did it with apparent pleasure. I say “attempted” because the plan backfired.

Instead of hurting me, it gave me even more resolve to follow the path I am taking. It could have knocked me off my feet, but instead it made me stronger. I wanted to rip them apart at the seams, shred their feelings to ribbons. I have the power and knowledge to do exactly that; I know their strengths and weaknesses. But what would that accomplish? I was not going to sink to that level of meanness; that’s not who I am.

I don’t like to fight, but I will stick up for myself. I am a smart woman; I can take a whole lot before I will let anyone or anything get the best of me. An important reminder to this little entry is to make sure that you can take it, before you dish it out. You might not be so lucky to have someone hold back. Your personal feelings come first; remember to protect them, always. Mean people just suck, they are probably very lonely, but they deserve whatever they get. With love…

Freewill…

We all have it; the choice or chance to make decisions for ourselves. They can be as simple as what to have for breakfast or as complicated as you make it. It’s up to you. That’s the beauty of freewill.

There are those of us who walk around feeling pretty lucky. We have people to see and places to go. We work through our troubles and relish in our accomplishments. We realize that our life is full of choices and while we don’t always make the best ones, the fact that we get to choose at all is appreciated. We get down in the dumps, have crappy days at work, fight with our families, have money troubles, but in the end, we accept and figure out how to work it out. We enjoy the company of people we love; we can depend on ourselves and those around us as we need to. It’s not always easy, but we are grateful to simply wake up each morning and have a new present.

There are also those of us who walk around feeling pretty low. They are feeling like they have been dealt a bad hand in the game of life. They place the blame on those around them and don’t take responsibility for their actions. Blame is always better to give than receive. They can’t see the forest for the trees. They ruminate about little problems or people who have “wronged” them. They don’t see the bigger picture; they are too busy bitching about the little things or worrying about things they can’t control. After a while, they get avoided, the people that love them give up, let them wallow. Perhaps that’s really how they want their life to be. I find that hard to believe, but suppose it’s possible.

It’s not the easiest thing to try to turn your outlook of life around. There again, that would be a choice. You take the opportunities that are put in front of you, bad and good, and then decide how to handle them. I think that you will find that after a while ruminating and aggravation will become gratitude and peace of mind. It will become a habit to decide to make a choice and move on. Your life just might get a little easier, a bit more pleasant; a lot more potential and better things will come to you.

Freewill is a part of your growth process. If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice, that’s a fact. Sitting by and letting life happen to you instead of being an active participant is not healthy. You can like the life you’re living or you can live the life you like. The choice is yours, are you making the right one? With love…

Rock And Roll…And The Radio…

I find music very therapeutic. It can lift your spirits, stir memories – both good and bad – mend fences, broken hearts or whatever else ails you. It can keep a good mood going, add life to a party or event, help you relax or wake your butt up. It can make you laugh, cry, dance, and sing at the top of your lungs or quietly, in your head, with a tiny grin or huge smile on your face. Come on, you know you do, sing that is, even if it’s in the shower. Everybody knows that’s where the best acoustics are, and of course you have your shampoo bottle that makes an excellent microphone!

I take the opportunity to listen to music as often as I possibly can. I make an effort to support local talent and go to live venues. There is nothing like listening to something new or familiar in a live setting. I really love driving in my car, windows down, radio on. I flip around between several different venues. I open my mind to new ideas in music. I have a few particular favorites, but have recently explored some types of music that I wouldn’t have thought I would enjoy. Have you listened to something new lately?

If I had to choose an order, I would say that the lyrics come first and foremost. In most cases, they tell a story or talk about a situation that is very personal or has personally affected the author. They can come from the heart, gut or a thought that passes through the brain. For some reason, it grabs at something to stir the pen to paper. Maybe the words are a concept or idea that hadn’t been thought of before. Whatever the reason, the words in songs are meant to be heard. There would be a lot of instances where the words can be made relatable to something in your own life. I am listening, are you?

The musicians, whoever they are, fascinate me. They have music in their heart and soul. They like to share. They get such pleasure from playing, writing and listening. It seems to come effortlessly and easy; comfortable. I’m certain that some have spent hours practicing to get it just right and others hear something and pick up their instrument and play. I’m happy when they share their talent in any instance. They have a gift and most don’t mind sharing. Have you spent some time with a musician lately – professional or personally? Try it, you’ll like it.

With all the ways that music is made available to us, there is no excuse to miss an opportunity to get some free therapy. Make an effort to consciously take a few minutes, put on some headphones; turn on the radio, CD, iPod, whatever, and take a deep breath. Get reacquainted with an old favorite or introduce yourself to something new. You’ll be amazed at the results. I’ve got the music in me, do you?…With love…

I Should Have Known…

Actions speak louder than words. This is a simple statement that is very true. You can talk, talk, explain, scream, whine, whisper, talk, yell, talk, shriek, and talk all you want, and about anything you want. If you don’t back up all that with what you actually do, you are wasting breath that you will need at the end of this life.

I am a talker, working on being a doer. I am a planner, self-prophesier that needs to be more grounded and in the moment. While it’s good that I have a vision, a path, a purpose, it’s becoming more apparent that it’s time to put up or shut up. Make the move while I have the chance. It’s time to do what I say I’m going to; time to release the fear and frustration.

I am aware that I need to pay more attention to the actions of myself and those in my life. I often depend that what is said in a conversation, discussion, argument, or fight, is what will happen or be resolved and is true. I wonder if my reaction or response is what causes the confusion or inaction? Is it something I said? Is it something I did? I have control of my word and deed; I have control of my reaction. Can I prompt or suggest an action with what I say? Of course I can, we all can and do.

Maybe I don’t listen closely enough? Perhaps I hear what I want to? Sometimes, to be certain, but most of the time I am listening and hearing. It might be that my brain hears what’s actually said, but my heart has a different interpretation or doesn’t listen at all. I think there are times that it hurts to hear the truth, however, honesty should be the best policy.

Mixed signals are something that I need to be aware of, both on the giving and receiving end. My interest or lack thereof, needs to be clear. I need to put my toe into the water to test before jumping in and getting soaked or nearly drowning. I’m writing in a metaphor, of course, but one that fits this subject appropriately. Have you ever felt that you are not listening or not being heard?

I should have known that I’ve been here before. I should have known that I don’t want it anymore. There are lessons in life that are worth repeating and there are those that shouldn’t be repeated. One thing is for certain, I will protect my heart, pride and strength with everything I’ve got. I will persevere and grow in this life, my life…Is it time for you to do the same?...With love…

You Are The Best Thing…

Ever feel like you sell yourself short? That you don’t see the potential or promise that you have on the path before you? Do you believe that you don’t have “what it takes” to offer another? If you answered “no” to these questions, that’s awesome. You already have a level of self-assurance that is very admirable and I’m hoping you are grateful. If you answered “yes,” it’s time to overcome the doubt; it’s time to embrace what some of those around you probably already know.

In someone’s life, you are the best thing that has ever come along. You are the “go-to” person, the one that can be counted on. Maybe they don’t get it yet or maybe you don’t get it yet. I’m fairly certain that there are hints or glimpses of a bond that is forming. Perhaps it’s fear that prevents the progress or the possibilities. It’s time to open your eyes, embrace the chance you have been given. It’s time to recognize that you didn’t even realize what you were looking for until it was right in front of you.

Take a good look at those closest to you. Have you told them lately that you love and appreciate them? Do they know that they can count on you, in good times and bad? Maybe you didn’t realize that you wanted to be “that” person to someone else? It’s not about material things or physical attributes; it’s about honesty and your true self. It’s about being able to enjoy your comforts and offer comfort to whoever you feel needs it. It’s about passion; feeling the burn, stoking the flames, grabbing the love where you find it. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind, take your chance, and say what’s in your heart. Whether it’s reciprocal or not, isn’t it better to let someone know how you feel, right out there on the table before it’s too late? Regret is a bitter pill to swallow, try to move forward without them.

Our hearts are kind and our hearts are strong. They expand to let people and love, in and out. Don’t let fear or uncertainty rule your path. Have faith in yourself; you are the best thing, believe THAT…With love…

I’ll Back You Up…

I joke with some of my friends, once in a while, about who I would call in the middle of the night if I needed bail money. If I was stranded somewhere and needed help, who would I reach out to? Are there people in my life that I can call on in a crunch? Are there people that would have a conversation or just listen without judgment or recrimination? Would they be there with a helping hand (or that bail money) just because I asked?

I am working on reclaiming my independence. My life was affected directly and harshly, early on in the economy tanking. Add to that my health issues and I was a sobbing, shaky mess every single day. I lamented and cried on the phone to my friends with the hope of find some solution. I was afraid, I was sick in body, mind and spirit. I was suspicious of everyone and everything. I didn’t feel like I could trust or count on anyone. I got the impression from those closest to me that they just couldn’t listen anymore.

I remember making the decision to pull in, not away. It was time to unburden my friends. It was time to distance myself from this self-pity wallowing that I had bought into. It was time to pull my big girl pants on and try to figure myself and my life out. No one was going to fix anything for me. I needed to weed out the garden of my life and get my act together. I want to live a full, productive life. I want to get past the crappy economy, get out of relationships that have gone stale and stagnant. I want to embrace new experiences, new things and rediscover the people in my life with whom I have a mutually satisfying relationship.

I also want those who love and who have stuck with me to know: I am grateful that you have my back. Through thick and thin, laughter and sobbing, you have listened and loved me. You have offered your opinions when I’ve asked and held back to let me figure things out on my own when I haven’t. You have gone on some of my new adventures and had fun with me. You would answer the phone call in the middle of the night for whatever reason. Of this I am certain and that makes me smile.

I also want them to know that I am there for them too, any time, any place if they need me. We may not see each other all the time, but when we do it’s like it was yesterday, comfortable, special and needed. No matter how busy our lives get, we somehow keep up, keep in touch. We don’t judge or criticize, we offer help and love. We listen and learn, we talk about anything and everything. I would figure out a way to get you that bail money! It doesn’t matter, whatever you do, do as you please, and I’ll back you up…With love…