The last couple of weeks have been an interesting journey. My move went relatively smoothly; I thought I would be afraid to be alone, but I'm actually enjoying it. My own space, with a few new things thrown in, sleeping pretty well, it's been good.
It's been a bit of an adjustment, too. I miss my son terribly, seeing him every day, packing his lunch, making sure that he takes his meds were things that I took a little for granted. He's been doing fine and we talk on the phone often. It's not the same, but I pretend like he went away to college.
I miss my husband. I miss our daily interaction and the thought of having someone to go to if I need help. There's a little bit of me that looks at our past relationship with rose colored glasses. We will always be family; we have children who will have children. He will always be my friend. I'm taking care of things on my own, but old habits are hard to break. This has been a learning curve for us all.
I thought I was past all of the emotionality of this venture; I was wrong. Friends have asked if there is anything my husband or I could do to keep our marriage going or to fix things. There really isn't. The relationship that was our marriage is over; we both know that. Moving forward in any type of relationship is going to take some work. How much work and what kind of relationship isn't something we have control of. We'll have to see where time and space takes us both as individuals.
I have been spending some of my newly acquired free time to think about relationships in general. Marriages, friendships, lovers, family, they each have their own group of dynamics that have some similarities but are also different in so many ways. Both should be embraced and considered when we are making any sort of decision regarding any particular relationship.
Some are extremely emotional, like the swinging of a pendulum from one side to the other. Others are comfortable, easy, and relaxed. Some relationships are a struggle to maintain and hard to let go of. Others were built on a foundation that was a bit crumbly and are completely falling apart.
There are changes happening in our everyday lives and the world we live in that aren't predictable. Why would we think that we can map out or count on situations that are meant to ebb and flow? We only have control over ourselves and our own feelings. No one can MAKE you feel a particular way; you ALLOW your feelings, good or bad, to direct your actions.
Sometimes, we fight with ourselves to maintain a balance in our life and with our relationships that might not be there. Once in a while, we might feel out of sync with a friend or a loved one. Maybe there is an underlying issue that needs to be sorted out. Perhaps words that were spoken "in the moment" need to be reconsidered, examined. There might be an apology or a reconciliation or a tune-up that needs to be taken care of.
I guess the bottom line is that in all things we need to raise our hopeful voices and remember that we have a choice. When you feel that you have given enough of yourself to a relationship, be patient. When you feel that your feelings have been hurt, be forgiving. When you have hurt someone's feelings, be considerate. If a relationship is meant to be, it will be...good, bad, happy, sad, mean and loving all at different times. It's a balancing act. Remember that you are worthy of goodness...With love...