Wednesday, November 7, 2012

I Will Wait…

I have been on a journey. It’s a journey that has been 50+ years in the making. I’ve had some real ups and downs. It feels like I have been on a wild roller coaster and a heck of ride.
My childhood, as I expressed in previous postings, was not the world of The Cleavers; I don’t think that anyone’s was. My family did the best they could and for that I’m grateful. Different members of my family have taught me a plethora of lessons; how to make friends, how to be strong, how to protect myself and how to love.
My teenage years were spent with a group of friends, some of whom I am still friends with to this day. We watched out for each other and spent a lot of time together. We learned how to depend on each other and to be depended on. Some have been lost; some just drifted away, others I couldn’t imagine my life without.
My young adult years were spent as a wife and mom. I got married and had my daughter while I was very young. I had a picture in my head of what I wanted my own family to be like. I worked hard and managed our family pretty well. We didn’t have everything we wanted, but we had what we needed. I wanted my daughter to feel loved unconditionally and to provide her with the best that I could.
As I got older, things changed. We moved into our house, I tried to have another child for a number of years. I was working, still managing the family and going about my daily life. When I stopped concentrating so hard on having another child, I was blessed with my son. He was a miracle I didn’t know how much I missed until he arrived. He brought a distraction from the dissatisfaction that was in my personal life. My daughter was getting older. My relationship was becoming stagnant; my role in the family unit was changing. I had my son to concentrate on and that’s what I did. I continued on my journey.
I had a major health scare; a wakeup call that made me realize how short life really is. My daughter is in a place where she is happy and loved and I am grateful for her every day. My son is getting to an age where the day to day Mom role is becoming less necessary. My personal life has unraveled because of change, some of which I have embraced and accepted, some I cannot.
I needed to save myself, find what was waiting for me on the next leg of this journey. To achieve what I want, in a place I’d like to be. To determine who I am besides a caretaker, an organizer, a manager of those around me. I will figure it out; it’s not selfish, it’s self-preserving. There will be necessary endings and beginnings on this continuation and that’s going to be OK.
This is my journey; Jude’s Journey, I will find my way. I’m on the home stretch. I’ll continue to be bold and strong. I will use my head alongside my heart. Is your journey turning out the way you wanted? Are you on a path that is fulfilling and helping you grow? Patience is truly a learned virtue. I will wait to get to the destination that I was meant to find. Perhaps I’ll discover that I’ve been there all along and just didn’t recognize it. Who knows? I will wait…With love…

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