Games People Play…

Some are better at the game of life than others. We learn the rules of fair play and choose whether or not to use them.

There are those who are well adjusted for the most part, they appreciate the life they have, take responsibility for their actions, (the majority of the time,) and are honest in word and deed. They are loyal to their friends and loved ones. They don’t sacrifice too much of themselves but are ready to help out those who need them. They have determined what they want out of this life and are working to get it. They are self-reliant, but can use a friend to help them along once in a while. I believe that in most cases, this is how real people live.

There are some who are really good at the guilt game. They attempt to make those around them seem inferior to make themselves feel better. They have selective memory and relish sharing those “memories” to look and feel good to whoever cares to listen. What’s sad is that those who are in a more balanced life or at least working towards that goal can see right through this. What’s also sad is that many relationships can become lost in the clarity. We have dealt with bad behavior for so long, it seems acceptable. When you open your eyes and your mind, you realize how toxic this can be. It might be difficult to let these connections be dissolved, but probably better in the long run.

There are some who are really good at the pity game. They wallow and look for attention in any manner they can get. They can’t see the real people in their lives because they are on a constant search for the “illusive” ones. They expect friends and family to help or assist them, rather than working harder to be self-reliant. These folks tend to be a little selfish and a lot self-centered, all the while protesting that they are the opposite of that. They also tend to think that they are authorities on life lessons; love, friendship, family, etc., are their areas of “expertise.” They profess love and friendship when directly in front of you, but don’t back any of that up with their actions.

I have had recent experiences with the guilt and pity players. I’m not pretending to be something that I’m not. I’m not an authority on life or the lessons that it teaches us. I am just a woman who is trying to improve my life and relationships that I have been given. No judgments, just observations. No messages or finger pointing, just sharing those observations. It gets me thinking and I’m hoping that it gets you thinking too. I’m not willing to spend the rest of my life fading away. With love…

Love Me Do…

Most of you are aware that I love music and that I believe that music is free therapy. I admire those who write the lyrics and notes to put together something to make us think. I indulge in music therapy in many different venues and for many different reasons. It makes my world go around.

Today is 50 years since the song “Love Me Do” by The Beatles was released. We all know the words and I’m pretty certain they are going through your head right this very minute. They are simple in message: love me and I’ll love you back. Be true to me and you can depend that I’ll be true to you. I like who you are and I hope you like me too. Simple words, yet perfectly stated.

Indulge in some music therapy today. Make a point to put on the radio or play some tunes by a band that you love. Reaffirm whatever it is you are working towards or looking for. Figure out what is hurting you or bringing you down; get through it. Listen just for the enjoyment of it, to get your heart beating, your toes tapping, and maybe do a little singing while you’re at it. Have some fun, you probably need it. With love…

PS…In other music news, Rush, my favorite band in the entire world will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame – It’s about time. Mumford and Sons, another of my favorites, had their new album “Babel” take 1^st place on the Billboard Chart for most albums sold in the first week in 2012, over Green Day and No Doubt. Good news in my music world!

Communication Breakdown…

I have written often about the many different ways that are available to us for communication. It makes me sad when there are breaks or gaps in communication that seem extremely important, especially with all the venues we have. Texting, calling, getting together, e-mail, Facebook, Twitter are great methods of keeping in touch.

As people, we are in always in motion, physically, emotionally and mentally. We each have a personal “plate” that we manage and hope that we can continue to do so in a manner that is both appealing and advantageous. We are also in a constant state of change, whether we want to be or not. The world around us is changing; we are just along for the ride. It can be something as simple as the seasons turning or as complicated as a break in a relationship, that are happening all the time, in different stages. Learning how to cope or communicate through the change can be a challenge.

Sometimes there isn’t anything else to say; it’s all been said. Sometimes there are things to hash out, settle, and then you’re able to move on. Sometimes there are things swept under the carpet, not addressed; this seems to be the most problematic. You can only put so much aside before it becomes a real problem and might be too big to talk about. You can make a decision to just sweep it all out of your life; it’s up to you.

Conversation is a great tool. It can help you with pain and sadness, with happiness and joy, with money or the lack thereof, with your job, your kids, your parents, your partner, your search for a better way, your dreams, your desires; it doesn’t matter what the topic is. Find someone who will listen, who cares about you and converse, communicate. Don’t let communication breakdown if you have the choice; you might not get it back. With love…

Learn To Fly…

I have lived in fear for most of my life. The fear started early, as far back as I can remember. I believe the majority of us have lived through a number of things that might surprise most; maybe not. Depending on our age, we probably have more in common with regard to our upbringing.

The circumstance of my parents’ divorce was most definitely an interesting twist, at best. We’ll just say that the grounds were mental cruelty and leave it at that. The collateral damage in the aftermath directly affected me. There were a lot of adults that fought over us, but no one was really minding the kids. I believe that a seed of self-preservation was planted inside me early on, (which has helped me tremendously more recently,) but I was afraid. Looking back, I realize that I wanted to depend on those who could be depended on. Unfortunately, at the time, as a little kid, I wasn’t sure who that was. It was very scary; the fear was growing, expanding.

As I grew up, I formed friendships that helped me learn the real aspects of relationship. We had each other’s back and watched out for one another. This helped with the fear, having people to trust, to talk with, and to count on. I still had to be careful, though, always alert. There was sure to be something terrible waiting right around the corner.

When I got married, I chose a partner who had a similar background. We had determination to make sure that our children had two parents who would take good care of them. Give them unconditional love and support. To provide what they needed and to reward them with some of what they wanted. I was certain that something terrible would have to happen to my kids because I was undeserving. That is irrational thinking, of course, but still inside my whirring, fearful brain.

How do you conquer what scares you? How do you turn things around? How do you become “safe” in your head? What makes you realize that you can’t walk around in fear all the time? Does it have to take some catastrophic event to accept what you can’t change? Answering these questions took some work; but I have the answers for me. What are the answers for you?

I didn’t even realize that I lived such a fearful life. As I began to get older, my outlook changed, it had to if I want to LIVE. We can’t see or predict what is coming our way. We can’t prevent pain anymore then we can be certain of joy or accomplishment. I had to learn a very important lesson. To embrace what I can and to release what I can’t change, which included the majority of fear that I carried around. I’m not saying that there aren’t still times when I am afraid, but I’m not constantly looking for things to be afraid of either.

I used to think that I was all grown up, then I realized to stop growing is to stagnate, to wither and die. I want to continue to show signs of life – learn new things, embark on unplanned adventures, embrace those who cross my path and make sure that the ones I depend on know they are appreciated. I’m learning to fly, fearless, well, a least a little fear less. With love…

Hit Me With Your Best Shot…

You know, I often try very hard to see things from both sides. I want to make sure that I treat people like I want to be treated. I don’t like to fight dirty and I hate confrontation. I have been this way since I was a kid. I am also a “deflector.” I tend to lead with niceness and good things to say, because as a plus size person in this world, it helps avoid any sort of negative connotation or confrontation for the most part.

Now, that’s not to say that I’m not a “defender.” I don’t like when people or other living things are picked on. I don’t like to be picked on. I can be just as catty with my friends as the next person, but I try not to be. I don’t like to have my fun at the expense of those around me and don’t appreciate it when it happens to me.

A healthy argument or disagreement can strengthen some relationships. We all have opinions and can agree to disagree. We can learn from each other and expand our horizons. Knowledge is power.

It’s hard to believe that there are people my age out there that still behave like they haven’t aged or time hasn’t touched them. Like they aren’t carrying an extra 20 pounds or they haven’t lost a whole lot of hair from their heads.  I'd like to ask, “Have YOU looked in a real mirror, lately? Maybe you should tell me where you bought your magic mirror so that I can get one too?”

You can have a conversation about a personal situation or relationship, but when you say something the other person doesn’t want to hear, it tends to get ignored or unabsorbed. They hear you, but they aren’t listening. It forces you to repeat yourself or reaffirm your feelings or decisions. When that happens, you can come across as a bitch. I used to think that was a bad thing; not so much anymore.

I have recently had an experience where someone close to me attempted to hit me below the belt. They used things that would most certainly bother me and did it with apparent pleasure. I say “attempted” because the plan backfired.

Instead of hurting me, it gave me even more resolve to follow the path I am taking. It could have knocked me off my feet, but instead it made me stronger. I wanted to rip them apart at the seams, shred their feelings to ribbons. I have the power and knowledge to do exactly that; I know their strengths and weaknesses. But what would that accomplish? I was not going to sink to that level of meanness; that’s not who I am.

I don’t like to fight, but I will stick up for myself. I am a smart woman; I can take a whole lot before I will let anyone or anything get the best of me. An important reminder to this little entry is to make sure that you can take it, before you dish it out. You might not be so lucky to have someone hold back. Your personal feelings come first; remember to protect them, always. Mean people just suck, they are probably very lonely, but they deserve whatever they get. With love…

Freewill…

We all have it; the choice or chance to make decisions for ourselves. They can be as simple as what to have for breakfast or as complicated as you make it. It’s up to you. That’s the beauty of freewill.

There are those of us who walk around feeling pretty lucky. We have people to see and places to go. We work through our troubles and relish in our accomplishments. We realize that our life is full of choices and while we don’t always make the best ones, the fact that we get to choose at all is appreciated. We get down in the dumps, have crappy days at work, fight with our families, have money troubles, but in the end, we accept and figure out how to work it out. We enjoy the company of people we love; we can depend on ourselves and those around us as we need to. It’s not always easy, but we are grateful to simply wake up each morning and have a new present.

There are also those of us who walk around feeling pretty low. They are feeling like they have been dealt a bad hand in the game of life. They place the blame on those around them and don’t take responsibility for their actions. Blame is always better to give than receive. They can’t see the forest for the trees. They ruminate about little problems or people who have “wronged” them. They don’t see the bigger picture; they are too busy bitching about the little things or worrying about things they can’t control. After a while, they get avoided, the people that love them give up, let them wallow. Perhaps that’s really how they want their life to be. I find that hard to believe, but suppose it’s possible.

It’s not the easiest thing to try to turn your outlook of life around. There again, that would be a choice. You take the opportunities that are put in front of you, bad and good, and then decide how to handle them. I think that you will find that after a while ruminating and aggravation will become gratitude and peace of mind. It will become a habit to decide to make a choice and move on. Your life just might get a little easier, a bit more pleasant; a lot more potential and better things will come to you.

Freewill is a part of your growth process. If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice, that’s a fact. Sitting by and letting life happen to you instead of being an active participant is not healthy. You can like the life you’re living or you can live the life you like. The choice is yours, are you making the right one? With love…

Rock And Roll…And The Radio…

I find music very therapeutic. It can lift your spirits, stir memories – both good and bad – mend fences, broken hearts or whatever else ails you. It can keep a good mood going, add life to a party or event, help you relax or wake your butt up. It can make you laugh, cry, dance, and sing at the top of your lungs or quietly, in your head, with a tiny grin or huge smile on your face. Come on, you know you do, sing that is, even if it’s in the shower. Everybody knows that’s where the best acoustics are, and of course you have your shampoo bottle that makes an excellent microphone!

I take the opportunity to listen to music as often as I possibly can. I make an effort to support local talent and go to live venues. There is nothing like listening to something new or familiar in a live setting. I really love driving in my car, windows down, radio on. I flip around between several different venues. I open my mind to new ideas in music. I have a few particular favorites, but have recently explored some types of music that I wouldn’t have thought I would enjoy. Have you listened to something new lately?

If I had to choose an order, I would say that the lyrics come first and foremost. In most cases, they tell a story or talk about a situation that is very personal or has personally affected the author. They can come from the heart, gut or a thought that passes through the brain. For some reason, it grabs at something to stir the pen to paper. Maybe the words are a concept or idea that hadn’t been thought of before. Whatever the reason, the words in songs are meant to be heard. There would be a lot of instances where the words can be made relatable to something in your own life. I am listening, are you?

The musicians, whoever they are, fascinate me. They have music in their heart and soul. They like to share. They get such pleasure from playing, writing and listening. It seems to come effortlessly and easy; comfortable. I’m certain that some have spent hours practicing to get it just right and others hear something and pick up their instrument and play. I’m happy when they share their talent in any instance. They have a gift and most don’t mind sharing. Have you spent some time with a musician lately – professional or personally? Try it, you’ll like it.

With all the ways that music is made available to us, there is no excuse to miss an opportunity to get some free therapy. Make an effort to consciously take a few minutes, put on some headphones; turn on the radio, CD, iPod, whatever, and take a deep breath. Get reacquainted with an old favorite or introduce yourself to something new. You’ll be amazed at the results. I’ve got the music in me, do you?…With love…